Life in Quarantine
This is a journal of sorts.
A photo and an entry; posted every day.
Starting from the first day of quarantine, March 30th, 2020,
through what we thought would be the end.
WHEN EVERYONE OLDER THAN YOU KEEPS SAYING,
“THIS IS CRAZY. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS ONCE IN A LIFETIME”
THAT’S WHEN I KNOW- I NEED TO TAKE NOTES.
day 46
I’ve decided today is my last entry. I thought quarantine would end just as quickly as it started- but it didn’t. It’s going to take quite awhile and the end is somehow both here and nowhere in sight.
I’ve taken away a lot more from this project than I thought I would. Perseverance, self-examination, humility, and the sweet, sweet, feeling of walking away knowing I gave it my all. Just to name a few.
I can’t wait to show my kids this journal and I tell them about the time the world shut down.
With my current work schedule I’m getting home at night and have to use artificial light a lot, hence all these light table photos. I’ve created an unintentional still life series.
day 45
This is it- the photo I’ve been thinking about. It’s a not great, janky, photoshop, seen-it-before, 10pm photo . But quarantine is ending and I wanted to do it. Actually I think it might already be over. I heard shelter in place was lifted. I stopped reading the news because I couldn’t handle it emotionally or mentally so I don’t know what’s going on right now.
I have a coffee date Saturday morning. It’ll be funny to have a guest over. It’ll be the last time I get to see her before she goes home for the summer. If I hold my breath while we hug is that ok??
I have so much hope for tomorrow and my second chance to say yes to Him.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
day 43
It was a hard day.
I know I go back and forth with saying things are so good right now and I feel close to Christ and I feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to. But today wasn’t like that. I felt far from Him and I let that feeling take over.
I kept thinking about Timshel and what that means. After numerous customers getting upset with us at work for every sort of reason, I just lost my patience. And I let it show.
I thought I could blame it on them, their rudeness, their lack of understanding, or on my lack of lunch.
But it’s my choice how I live in the midst of that. It’s always been my choice, and today I said no.
day 43
I cannot wait to support my local hairdressers again. With each day I realize more and more how long my hair is and honestly I should have cut it in December. But there is something about having the option taken away that makes you want it even more.
I’ve been deeply moved by this book called The Secret Life of Objects by Dawn Raffel and this post is inspired by it.
day 42
A friend at work has been pressing flowers for the last 5 years and surprised me yesterday with these dried roses. She framed them and everything. She calls me Jacqueline but pronounced Jacque-leen. She is very strong and very kind to me.
We started on the same day last fall and bonded over that. She left in the winter. She came back for these weird times and she already has a career, she says she just really likes where we work. I get to see her maybe once a week. I definitely don’t feel worthy of her kindness. I have done nothing to merit these roses.
They hang in my dining room now. They use to be hot pink.
I feel like a crazy person with these photos now. And I don’t even know what I’m suppose to say. I made the rules and I don’t even know them- with the photos and with the words. Like I’m too close up to tell what’s good anymore. It takes me a few days to step back and look at a photo and realize if it was any good or not. There are some winners, but man, also a lot of losers. Humbling to keep them posted. We’ll see on day 44 how I feel about this one.
day 41
I didn’t do the one thing I needed to do today. But I did the 30 other things I had to. I hope that makes sense.
I just lose time. I thought with quarantine I’d have more time than ever, but it’s turning out to be the opposite. I’m so bad at planning time. Everything always takes longer than I think, and I think that’s ok. It’s just the letting it be ok in the midst of it that’s hard.
There are a lot of rough decisions being made right now. People deciding to reschedule their wedding or just majorly down-size it, people trying to find new jobs, and if anyone is like me, trying to find a new place to live because your lease ends in a month.
day 40
We had the absolute privilege of going to the lake today- a grand day out. It was so refreshing to be a part of a family gathering like that.
After everything that happened we would just follow it with a shrug and the phrase “lake life” as if we were regular boat owners and lake goers. It’s so funny how day drinking, sitting in the sun, and just all water activities can exhaust you.
This is my one day off this week and I keep wondering if I spent that time well. If my leisure was well worth it and if I should have bought groceries instead of Chipotle.
day 39
A long day at work. That seems to be my consistent thought. A long day.
Tonight we talked to friends while sitting in the trunk of my car. It felt like a summer night.
I think the shelter in place was extended. I don’t know anymore. HonestIy, I don’t even know how to find out.
I feel a little burnt out. From work and from this photo project. But I suppose actually from this quarantine. But it’s where I’m at and I’ll keep pushing. A photo a day- I can do that. Because maybe a photo a day is all I can do.
day 38
I looked up at two calendars today. The one at work where I realized it was the last day of April and the one above my desk where I realized I had left it on March. It seems like the time has both dragged on and flown by.
I also went on a run for the first time in weeks today. It was really hard. I won’t lie, I did not do well. But I want to start getting ready for normal life again.
I love that this looks like a star, an eye, and kind of like a microscopic image of an infamous virus we’ve all come to know and love.
day 37
Isn’t is so funny how all of this, in the end, is nothing? That these few crazy months- will be a blip in the story of our lives, and yet even smaller in the story of all of history and creation?
Don’t the petals look like brush strokes?
day 36
In college I carried my stress in my left shoulder- and that ache started again.
It’s hard to choose joy. To be patient. Every day I go with less sleep and more work just adds to that challenge.
I’ve been thinking about a certain photo for awhile now. It’s not overly complicated and shouldn’t be difficult, but it’s going to take time. I started setting up for it at 10:30 tonight when a headache hit me. I knew if I tried to do this tonight I would be cheating myself and this photo.
I saw this tulip I shot 5 days ago and felt akin to its transformation, so I shot that instead.
day 35
This feels more like a milestone than 30 days. Not sure why. There is an end in sight. Supposedly. It’s hard to believe what anyone says anymore about all this. Apparently May 3rd is when it’s over.
When what is over? What will really be different then? We can go out to eat but only a few of us and it’s 6 feet away from the nearest other person?
People will still be living in fear of one another and my knuckles will still be dry from hand sanitizer.
May 3rd. That seems so soon.
Moss will forever mean peace, hope, and stillness to me.
day 34
Ella and I wanted to go on a hike today. We went out to Weston and then realized the park was closed. So we went to Atchison. Benedictine was a ghost town- it was peaceful and sad and empty.
We walked through Abbeyland where it was overcast but springy. Afterwards we got Willies carryout and drove home. It all almost felt like a normal outing.
A couple of dried orange slices. From a photo I half-heartedly took in between the photos I was really wanting to take. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Or just overthinking it all.
day 33
I really didn’t want to shoot today. I feel like I’ve exhausted the possibilities of my two bedroom apartment. I know that’s a lie, I’m just tired.
So many of my photos aren’t anything I’m proud of, but I am proud I tried. And I know the few good ones would never have happened if it weren’t for the rough ones.
Probably a lesson everyone’s heard a million times but I need to remember it, because hey, I might be doing this until June. So try, try, try, and try again.
day 32
I got my stimulus check a little while ago. I didn’t even know I qualified. It’s really exciting, but I’m also treating it weirdly. It’s to help cover bills and essentials but I’m starting to think about all the things I could get.
I impulse ordered a try on at home kit of glasses. Not that I need new ones, but I could now if I wanted to. But I don’t know that I should. Because I also have massive student loans, and should tithe, and invest in my business, and save for my future, and the list goes on.
It just feels like this huge gift I can’t waste.
AN UNEXAMINED LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING.
-FR. MATTINGLY
day 31
I realized today that this photo project has become my own little examination of conscience. I’m waking up to my life.
I think that’s why work is so wonderful now and why it’s easier to get out of bed now and why I feel closer to Christ now- even though I don’t know the last time I was in a chapel. Not because life has gotten so much better with all this, but because He’s changing my heart.
day 30
Days at work are getting longer and longer. Today I was there for 11 hours. It was long but wonderful. Walking out of work I felt the way I felt during my mission trips- exhausted, aching, content, fulfilled, and loved.
And I know it was because I chose this day.
I completely gave myself to these people today. By no means was it perfect but there was effort there to give more and love more than any other day I’ve had there. I told Erin on my way home, “There’s no place I would rather be.”
day 29
We went and got free tacos again. I got a Flamin’ Hot one and they were not lying it’s a little bit flamin’ and my lips burned for a bit.
I also treated myself to cinnamon twists and the worker asked if I wanted to round up my total and donate to a charity that feeds local kids. I mean I knew there were kids going without lunch now because of all this but I also wasn’t thinking about it ever. Why is Taco Bell more on top of these things than I am?
I mean wake up and smell the freakin Flamin’ Hot Doritos Locos Tacos®.
I had no creative thoughts for photos today, I got off work late and was losing light. So I said out loud “I’m going to go take a basic picture of a tree.” I did indeed take that picture, and it was awful and I haven’t posted it. But it got me outside and I started walking and shooting, and seeing. I took more pictures today (both in number and in diversity) than any other day in this challenge. So glad I took that basic picture of a tree.
day 28
I feel like I’m finding routine and normality. The way I work and spend my free time. The way I do or don’t see people.
Everyone that comes into work keeps saying “I can’t wait for it all to just go back to normal,” but what’s so freaky is that this is becoming our normal. I keep thinking about when it ends, how can we just jump back into things?
Won’t it be forever changed? I don’t even know what or how, but can we really just flip the switch and go back? Do we want to go back?
A kid found this on the parking lot at work today. Thought it was hilarious and pretty fitting with the core theme of Fr. Mike Schmitz’s homily, “certainty is an illusion.”
day 27
Certainty is an illusion
I tend so much towards black and white photography even though color in the world speaks so deeply to me, so I’m trying to let that be in my work more.
day 26
I was commissioned to make a piece and I chose to use watercolor in it. I finished it 10000x faster than I’ve ever finished a commission in my life. I was both excited about it and had the time for it.
There were stickers on the ground at the grocery store directing you to go down the aisles certain ways, forcing you to maneuver through the store in a snake-like fashion. I needed La Croix and out of my non-mask-wearing guilt decided to obey the law of the land and snaked my way to them. But alas, there was a sale on something called Aha and I now have four boxes of two-for-one off brand La Croix and that was my biggest mistake from today.
We got these RIDICULOUS face shield/mask things at work, which not a single soul will wear. I was inspired by a fashion designer who was told his work is too avant-garde and so he stuck it to them and made a beautiful dress using the most basic thing he could think of: a t-shirt. So I wanted to do that here— make a beautiful portrait with this outlandish mask.
day 25
I was informed that shelter-in-place was going to be extended through May 13th. Upon hearing that I had a little bit of an out of body experience including panic, racing thoughts, and just a little bit of a dead stare. That means we’re only halfway. But I tried to remind myself of all the good this means for me. It means 25 more days of Quarantine photos (which is both terrifying and exciting), 25 more days to work on a massive drawing for a massive print, 25 more days to finish Stranger Things, and 25 more days of learning to see the bright side.
day 24
I went to the post office today. A mildly wild experience. There was a sheet of plastic hanging from the ceiling all the way to the floor with a poorly cut out 1/2 ft x 2 ft hole that I could talk to the worker through. He taped my envelope shut for me because neither of us thought I should lick it. A little girl pointed at me and told her mom that I wasn’t wearing a mask. Snitches get stitches, kid.
Other than that, I really didn’t want to pick up my camera today. Especially after shooting a wedding and just from 23 days of shooting I suppose. So I thought I should lean into that. Because that’s what I’m feeling. So here’s a picture of me, picking up my camera.
Doesn’t it look like I’m inside of it? When I was testing my flash at home today, I caught this moment that is funnily enough reminiscent of a painting called The Arnolfini Marriage. The red of my dress, the domed feeling of the mirror, the artist putting themselves in their pieces.
day 23
I photographed a wedding today. It was supposed to be on May 2nd, but when they couldn’t do that anymore they just decided to reschedule for this week. On a shortened guest list of 10 people- I was number 11. Meaning, I really didn’t deserve to be there.
But I’ve found my camera gives me privileges I’ve never deserved time and time again.
I took the bride outside to take some pictures of her before the ceremony when a car drove up. A man she knew hopped out, ran to her, hugged her, said “I love you, congratulations,” and ran back to his car. I asked her who that was. She said, “my brother.”
I was fascinated by the tenderness and translucency of my Easter lily and wanted to capture that before the flowers died.
day 22
My family and I did a group Facetime tonight. I didn’t realize how long it had been since we last talked until I saw all their faces at once. And I don’t think we’ve ever group Facetimed. I think it’s amazing how something that intentionally separates people is bringing them together even more.
day 21
21 days? Ok that’s more than a couple right? That’s actually so many days.
That’s 21 days since I’ve seen Alex. I worked on a project for her today, I’m making the guest book for her wedding in June. I already have other brides from weddings I’m scheduled to shoot making back-up plans just in case.
Can we really just push back the date for anything and everything? Like can we just cut and paste all of March-April and slide it on down to August? It feels ridiculous at first- but I get it and I don’t know another way.
day 20
Easter Sunday - Alleluia
Tried for who knows how long today to get a picture of Erin and I in our Sunday best outside our front door. No such luck.
We celebrated Easter the best we could- the smell of Easter Lilies, rain, and cake filled our little apartment, but it just wasn’t what it should have been. I’m missing my family and friends and the people that makes days like this so wonderful.
For some reason in the back of my head I connected Easter with the ending of Quarantine. No such luck.
day 19
Holy Saturday. A big Quaran-dream (a goal for Quarantine) I had was to read a lot. I’ve had a stack of unread books for quite some time. My roommates and I have so many they’re lined up beneath a little table in our room. For a number of reasons I haven’t been able to (or just haven’t wanted to) read them. Is it laziness?
I’ve treated reading, like so many other things in life, as a checklist- to get it done so I can say I did it. But so many things take the time they take, like a 2 hour live stream Easter Vigil Mass.
But the lesson I have to learn over and over again is that it’s ok to sit in it, accept it, choose it. And take it a day at a time. To let a 134 page book take one month or to let a Quarantine take two. “We show the greatness of our freedom when we transform reality, but still more when we accept it trustingly as it is given to us day after day.”
JACQUES PHILIPPE INTERIOR FREEDOM
day 18
Good Friday. All I have to show for it is an onion. I worked a long shift today, tried to remember to say a prayer at 3 o’clock. Missed it. Beat myself up for it. Prayed at 3:45.
People are either patient or not with all the steps we have to take now to keep everyone healthy. It all was just making me tired. Just the all of it was hitting me- the 10 hour days, the frustration of our situation, the loss of our Lord.
I came home to make a meatless dinner, cut into an onion, and started to cry.
WHEN I EAT THIS BREAD AND DRINK THIS CUP,
I PROCLAIM YOUR DEATH, O LORD
UNTIL YOU COME AGAIN.
MAY I SERVE THEM AS YOU HAVE SERVED ME.
FOR YOU HAVE LOVED ME TO THE END.
day 17
Holy Thursday. We watched Mass with the monks at St. Benedict’s Abbey, we heard them cry as they spoke. Talking about the piercing silence of an empty church and the death of the Lamb. We made our own Passover meal, and washed each other’s feet. It was quiet. Humbling. Beautiful.
day 16
An upside to this is so many people are turning to art. Erin got a hand lettering kit, my brother has been writing music, and I think everyone has painted at least once since this all started. Art has always been my way of calming anxiety, and I think that’s becoming a more shared experience.
In this photo Erin is explaining to me the way the brush moves and how it makes it difficult to get the stroke just right. I think she did pretty well, I mean look at that lower case r.
day 15
We’ve been watching a lot of Stranger Things and I was feeling inspired by it. I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was all day and I don’t remember the last time I was this tired. I guess we’re halfway through this quarantine. It feels silly both to make plans and to not make plans for after all this. I’m falling asleep as I write. Turning off the lights now. Goodnight.
day 14
I showed Erin these two photos and asked if either of them are any good. The fabric is really beautiful to me and that’s just my egg roll in the microwave. They don’t go together by any means. She said the juxtaposition screams Day 14, and I think she’s right.
day 13
THE ORANGE
At lunchtime I bought a huge orange—
The size of it made us all laugh.
I peeled it and shared it with Robert and Dave—
They got quarters and I had a half.
And that orange, it made me so happy,
As ordinary things often do
Just lately. The shopping. A walk in the park.
This is peace and contentment. It’s new.
The rest of the day was quite easy.
I did all the jobs on my list
And enjoyed them and had some time over.
I love you. I’m glad I exist.
-WENDY COPE
day 12
Today at work we were given free masks because the CDC started recommending them. I think they’re meant for skiing, but it counts. My options included camo, orange and camo, blue camo, and construction yellow with a reflective stripe. I went with the yellow. They are pretty warm and not exactly easy to breathe with. Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s to protect me or to protect those around me.
On a different note, I discovered my bedroom window has the perfect portrait lighting in the evening.
day 11
It was a rainy day today, icy even. Too cold to have the windows open.
I heard talk of the shelter in place order being extended through May. I’m seeing more and more posts about people getting it and of some people dying. No one knows when this is going to end, no one even has a decent guess. It’s difficult not to get discouraged.
ROMANS 5:5
Inspired by Irving Penn
day 10
Erin and I donated blood today. In this time of seclusion I’ve felt really helpless and honestly have become really selfish. I think especially in times of isolation it’s really easy to become inward facing. Erin mentioned donating blood, and I realized there are still ways to give even without an income.
Inspired by Andy Warhol’s Banana
day 9
I guess I’m in a bit of a pop art phase. Andy Warhol who?
I’ve been planning on making banana bread for a few days now and just have let other things take priority. So the oven is preheating at this very moment.
Work is insane right now with all of this going on, but I’m so grateful to have work at all. We started spraying everything with bleach, which seems so intense to me, but I feel like I just don’t understand how big all this is.
day 8
Taco bell was giving out free Doritos Locos Tacos today (not all heroes wear capes). Naturally, Erin and I went and snagged a couple. They were so orange.
I was scheduled for 5 days of work this week, but they aren’t sure what next week will hold, so they can’t promise anything. I think the uncertainty might be one of the most difficult parts of all this.
day 7
I flew out of bed today because this morning I was asked to come into work for the first time in a week. Also the first time I didn’t make my bed in a week. Funny the rise and fall of good habits.
day 6
We’re doing a lot of reading these days. I’m so grateful the weather is nice so we can sit outside and leave the windows open.
day 5
Erin and I went on an extended walk today. It was crazy windy but we didn’t mind because we were outside and it was sunny. Every time I don’t use sunscreen I am reminded how truly childish I still am and am deeply humbled by the results of my pride. Nothing says “I thought I was invincible” quite like a neon red sunburn that makes my Irish ancestors roll over in their grave.
day 4
I gave up music for Lent. And I’m realizing how much of the silence I fill with it. And I think I knew but quarantine has made that even clearer. This is a true timelessness we’ve been given. 30 days, set aside, to do nothing, but sit with Him in the silence, and just try to take in all the little beautiful moments.
day 3
It really hit me today that we are doing this for another 27 days. But I am grateful for this challenge as an artist. The photo on the left is one my high school photography teacher gave me at graduation. It says, “Bring Your Camera!” on the billboard. So I took that as, wherever you go, wherever you stay, bring your camera.
day 2
I baked an apple crisp today because I bought two bags of apples because I didn’t know if stores were going to be open. I found out they would be- and now I have 2. bags. of apples. I don’t even like apples that much. The bowl I used to make it was from my Grandma. She’s stuck in her room at the nursing home right now, no visitors allowed. She went by Grandma Apple when we were younger.
Reminiscent of The Gloomy Breakfast of the Late Sleeper
day 1
Alex left today to go home to Lincoln for the next 30 days. We arranged flowers before she left. It was really calming and meditative, and brought a lot of peace in the face of 30 days worth of unknown.